Timing

God is so cool ... he just does it right every time. Today I came crashing right up against misunderstanding. Someone didn't read an email thoroughly and my follow up attempts at explanation didn't alleviate the misunderstanding but only seemed to make it worse. And I handled it well I think. I took the time to discuss an appropriate response and how to phrase it - I read it over numerous times before responding - and I also attempted to correct the misunderstanding. The response I received was to the tune of "you don't respect my request and you're out of line." and they basically called me out in front of other people.

I'm not sure why I should be, but I was honestly surprised! Surprised initially by the misinterpretation, but also by my inability to make it right again ... to bring peace to the relationship. I'm kind of all about peace in relationship and don't like that feeling of unfinished business. I desire to be real and honest in all things ... but I was shut down. And yes, I've begun to understand that I simply cannot live in this world and have peace in every relationship ... it is the way of a fallen world, but I don't like it and so I resist it.

So, I took some more time to reflect and then determined to just let it go and attempt to forget about it. Then I picked up Waking the Dead again, and started reading in chapter six, the beginning of the section on the four streams (life-transforming stuff for sure!) ... and right there in the first paragraphs is a story about betrayal. Yes, different than misunderstanding but with the same key message: Resentment is just waiting for an opportunity to come in and take up residence at the first opportunity! Whoa... and yes, I can feel that. I know it to be true right now...

I sit with that for a while but keep going back to the thought that its not MY misunderstanding - its not MY issue ... or is it? Should I have handled it differently? I don't think I did anything wrong ... or did I? No, I feel a peace about this - I'm certain I handled it well - I feel that. And as I read further in the same paragraph and they talk about self-reproach in spite of being so sure you did nothing wrong ... and then move on to forgiveness. I just need to forgive them. I do ... I know it. And yet I am so annoyed at their response and, just as it happens in the book, I want to go to PRIDE. I do. I am right ... I was wronged and that is NOT just! I deserve justification but I will deign to forgive them...me on my high horse! **sigh**

And as I realize that I am wanting to go to pride ... am already stepping across the threshold of it, I am silenced by the words in this book. HIS TIMING is impeccable. I'm already heading there and He leads me back to a book I've read numerous times, to admonish me! How easily I have forgotten all that He has done and just walk back into the sickness of living on my own - independent, self-righteous, seeking my own justice ... I am undone ... overwhelmed and full of the knowledge that I will never be enough, but that HE will be enough in me. I'm just another lost child who needs a dad to show her the truth.

I am redeemed, transformed and renewed. I will NOT choose my own justice but instead I will choose forgiveness, not out of arrogance and a sense of being "right", but out of the knowledge of my own brokenness. I choose LOVE ... I have to choose love ... I don't want half a sandwich - I want the WHOLE thing! And I am acutely aware of my human-ness once again, but that is where I need to be to feel His transforming power. I cannot change unless I realize I need to be changed. I need it, but spend so much more time living in the struggle ... but thats reality. It's easier to understand it than it is to live it! **sigh**