Deep healing

Wow ... so I thought what I shared in my "Motives" post was life-changing for me, but it was just another step. Life-changing, yes, but not the deep healing I've embraced just by turning a page in a book ... If you ever just pop in to visit me at home, you'll see a scattering of books on my couch - I'll clean them up if I know you're coming, so if you want to see the real me, just pop in! But be prepared for controlled chaos! :) I keep these books out because I'm either part of the way through one of them or its the next one I want to read or it just intrigued me enough to pull it off the bookshelf for a change. And if you've read enough of my posts, you'll know I love to learn and go deeper and authentic relationship is kind of my "thing". Its where I want to be...

This morning I decided to jump into the next section in Walking With God, called "Healing the Past". I honestly thought it would be a quick read because of all the processing and healing I've already done, but once again I was stopped dead in my tracks with one sentence. John Eldredge was talking about growing up in a non-Christian home and of his process of asking forgiveness for some his actions in high school, but then he took it deeper. He writes, "I wasn't repenting of my search for joy, but of the places I let it take me. I found myself then praying against despair as the deeper issue."

This threw me! It was like a light went on in a pitch black room ... it wasn't the DESIRE for joy that has been wrong in my life, it is my response to that desire for joy ... that aching ... it is WHERE I have let it take me! WHOA... seriously!!! And so you will have to understand a bit of my story to see why this is such a revelation to me...

As a little girl, I was five when my dad got a pastorate in small-town Ontario. That summer or fall, after we moved, we went back to visit friends for a day. It was a beautiful warm day and we had a lot of fun. They didn't have kids our age, but the couple was really great and just doted on us and made us feel special. But then darkness fell - literally, yes, but for me figuratively as well. I don't recall how it happened, but I ended up on the front porch in the dark with the couple's teenage son... it was one of those typical five-year-old school girl crushes on a teenage boy, and he took full advantage of the situation. For those of you who have been abused, you will understand the complex mix of feelings ... fear, confusion, disconnection and panic, but all mixed in with the fact that this person you "liked" is paying attention to YOU ... and so there is pleasure mixed in with all the other feelings. Its horrible and something that no child should ever have to go through. It changes you ... the bright world becomes dark; the happy times are never enough; the emotional disconnect, internally, is insurmountable. There is a deep aching that can never be filled outside of the love of Christ and His healing.

Now you can see the impact of these sentences from the book: "I wasn't repenting of my search for joy, but of the places I let it take me. I found myself then praying against despair as the deeper issue."

It was instantly obvious to me that my real issue is despair and the agreements I have made with it ... I recall CLEARLY being on the front porch and seeing my family inside with this couple we came to visit. They were all in the light, playing games around the table, laughing, having a good time ... and I was out on the porch, in the dark, being confronted with the most incomprehensible, confusing and painful experience of my short life ... and my heart changed. I embraced new convictions about who I was and what I deserved, and they were cemented in my heart: always on the outside; never included; never loved; never wanted for "me"; never protected and forever ignored. The pure love that my siblings understood and experienced was no longer an option for me and I embraced despair. I ACHED for that love, but understood that it wasn't available to me ... that I wasn't good enough, pretty enough, worthy enough ...

Don't get me wrong here, none of this was a conscious process ... what five-year-old could possibly understand and make a conscious decision about this? It is simply a part of what happens when abuse enters a life, and its different for everyone ... yet still the same. And so I made agreements that were deep and lasting, and this reading today opened me up to a new thought. It is not the DESIRE for joy that is wrong! THAT alone is life-changing for me. To desire joy, to WANT ... to ACHE ... is not wrong ... but where I have let my search for that take me is what is wrong and what I need to repent of, what I can be responsible for and change.

Its a pretty easy connection to make the transition from that one instance of abuse as a little girl, to a lifetime of turning to men for the answer. And as a little girl, when boys left me empty I would turn instead to sneaking food from the pantry or change from mum's purse or dad's dresser, running down to the local store to buy chips or soda that I would rush to eat before going home again. And when that didn't work to fill my aching, it was back to boys ... an endless, painful cycle of striving. And I can't blame my little girl self for going there, but I CAN change that today ... the Lord has slowly been bringing me to this place. He has laid the foundation for the freedom to come ...

And so today I renounce the agreement I made with despair. I renounce the agreement I made that a boy is the answer. I renounce the agreement I made that food is the answer to the aching. Jesus, I renounce it all, and I ask your forgiveness. I ask you to cleanse me. I ask you into those memories, one at a time, show me where you were. Show me how you held me in the midst of every painful situation ... and He DID ... this morning has been a truly beautiful time of healing and wholeness for me. Things that I have been working on forEVER are completed this morning. Its a new day - makes me think of a Francesca Batistelli song, Free To Be Me - "... got a couple dents in my fender, got a couple rips in my jeans ... but on your shoulders I can see, I'm free to be me..." (google it - great song!)

I feel lighter now ... something is gone. Its a super cool feeling - one I've been waiting for for a long time. And I am SO grateful for the Lord's protection. He has worked overtime for the past 15 years, bringing me to this point and keeping me from relationships that I would have chosen in an attempt to find that joy. I am absolutely humbled by His love ... by the way he has sought me and continues to draw me. It is tangible - something I'm sure I could just reach out and touch in any moment - even when I have turned away from Him - STILL He chased me down and here I sit today, in a new place of freedom. Yeah, I know there will be tough times ahead, life isn't easy, but I am ready for the challenge ... and I KNOW that He has a plan for me ... for my life!

So, why share something so deeply personal? Well, because I want YOU to know that there is HOPE. There is NOTHING more true than the Lord's love for us and His desire to have relationship with us ... He desires a deep, intimate and open love affair with each of us and He will meet you as you unwrap the pain ... open your heart and allow the breeze of His gentle caress to heal you... it is ALL about the process and letting Him love you... He's just waiting for us to become active participants in the story of our own healing. We have to be willing to go there ... to say, "Okay, what are you doing, Lord? What is this? What are you saying?" He's just waiting ...