Motives ...

I was reading a bit after work today about Motives, in Walking with God (a great book, btw). Its been a little while since I picked that book up, and Motives was the next section to read, so I read it and thought - hmmm, thats good - but then began to move on to the next section and just brush this one off in a "yeah, I've got that" kind of way.

But something stopped me. Just a nudge to take it deeper, so I went back and read it a second time. And I was struck by the idea of being honest about what it is that compels me. He talks about our personality and the excuses we give for why we are the way we are, but that we need to face the reality that we choose our personality to some extent based on our motivations. For example, I won't confront someone in person because I'm afraid of the repercussions; or conversely, I always confront because of my need to control the situation. Basically what it comes down to is lack of trust. And yup, that's a big deal for me. Trust is HUGE.

So, I decided to take a little time and write about my motives, and one pretty major theme jumped out at me. Something I've always been good at is my ability/desire to be transparent in all that I do - its just natural for me to be straight up. On the one hand this can be a good thing and you don't have to guess what I'm thinking, but there is also the dark side of it...the motive behind why I insist on honesty and laying my heart out there for the world to see...and that is control. I realized as I wrote about it and delved into the "why" behind my transparency, that I use that need to be straight up as a way to control situations. If I let you know where I'm at, then I won't have to live in the gray areas of life. I never have to deal with the unknown. There are no surprises. You will always have all the information you need to relate to me. I've paved the way! (hmmm, where is the mystery...the trust...in that?)

I'm not good with the gray areas of life. I used to be the same way in my work life, but have had a couple of bosses who lived so much in the gray areas that I've had no choice but to change - so I've really loosened up there, but still go for black and white in my personal life. Its a need to be real - to let "you" know exactly where I'm at regarding our "relationship" (whatever that may be)...and its NOT healthy because it IS about control. If I tell you how I'm feeling even though you haven't asked to know, then I won't be surprised by "you." WOW!

Had a good friend recently challenge me to live in the gray areas and allow friendships to develop/flourish naturally without having to figure out the ending today. While some of you may not understand that, some of you will...and its all about releasing my control and letting the Lord take over. It's about learning to trust the Lord to supply ALL my needs and not just the ones I'm willing to let him into...the ones that don't matter quite so much or aren't so close to my wound.

My deepest desire and daily longing is to be living right in the middle of the Lord's will for my life. And so I've begun to actually allow myself to live in the gray areas of life, but its stressful because that is ME giving up the control over the outcome and purposely opening my life and heart up to surprises, knowing that they are not all happy surprises. It's hard. It's a long process and it's not my natural bent ... interesting though, that the bent that I call "natural" is really all aobut self-preservation. Its NOT how God created me! It is the mechanism by which I have been able to control my own destiny and keep people at arm's length...it has been my way of escape from deeply connecting in relationship with others.

And so I embark on a new path in the journey...and I feel myself wanting to tell certain people exactly where I'm at and what I've discovered so they will understand who I have been and who I am becoming. ONCE AGAIN wanting to control and influence relationships and potential relationships. Whoa! But SO cool that I am recognizing that and NOT going that direction (makes me think of an email in my drafts that I just need to go and delete - yay! FREEDOM!!!).

I'm ready to let it go. Gray areas will continue to be tough for me and I'll have to fight against them, but I DESIRE to go there, just for the sake of learning to live without control...learning to live in a trusting relationship with my Father and just waiting to see the great surprises HE has in store for me that I had NOTHING to do with. Thank you, Bob, for the challenge to go colorless! Here I come gray world!