change

There is little similarity between the life I live today and the life I thought I would be living, and yet I cannot imagine who I would be if I had gotten what I had planned instead of this life that a gracious Father has wrought in spite of me. There is disappointment and joy; fear and hope; war and peace; giving up and then fighting again…and an inexorable drawing of my heart toward it’s home in the safety of my Savior’s embrace.

My plans, desires and dreams have changed dramatically. Back in my early adult years there were hopes of a husband and a family (yup, right down to 6 kids – yikes!) and ministering together for the Lord, but He knew SO MUCH better than I what was ahead. There were many years to come of pain and heartache and working through the trash that I wasn’t even aware of AS trash! I lived in the midst of so much wretchedness I had no clue that it was even there…like an animal so mired in it’s own crap that it doesn’t even know that it should hope for something more. And I am completely overwhelmed by God’s persistent pursuit of my heart.

It baffles me still. He knew that to reach through the mess of my heart and pull out the roots of bitterness, anger, shame, fear, betrayal and so much loss, He would have to thwart my many, many efforts to TAKE life for myself. He has pursued me relentlessly and has not let me off the hook easily. It has taken me a long time to get it – and trust me, I’m still in process with this – but I am SO grateful that He has loved me enough to chase after me in this way. I am so grateful that He has saved me for these days and for the new things He is bringing me into.

I still don’t understand why, and sometimes I feel so alone in the struggle that it breaks my heart, but I know that His heart breaks for me and His love fills all those painful places as His HOPE is renewed in me again today. HE IS DOING A NEW THING and I sit with open hands waiting for HIS guidance for HIS initiatives in my life. Yes, I still love deeply; trust slowly and grow intermittently, but HE is there every moment. I can trust Him with my heart and desires for the future and HE is my HOPE. It is a good, good day to love a risen Savior who cares about the tiniest details of my life. He is AWESOME and I WILL honor Him by pressing through to become the woman He has believed in the entire time. I am undone…

new life...

For years I’ve just bought into the lies – I’ve been living as though the lies were the truth…as though I am less than who God created me to be. As though another person’s distorted impression of who I am (based on their own wounds, I might add), could actually be that woman I see every morning in the mirror. How is this even possible? How does a rational, sane, intelligent person come to believe lies about their character, stability, nature…its like being in a cult where you just drink the koolaid without dissecting the source and rejecting the poison. It is crazy-making!

I woke up in the middle of the night last night – wasn’t feeling well with a cold – and was overwhelmed by the thoughts that I will never get it; never be good enough; never lose weight; never be loved for who I really am; just never… anything! And in that moment, God came for me. Oh, God, what sweet refreshing you breathe into my soul when the barrenness threatens to overcome and wipe out the new growth of faith and trust and healing.

A couple weeks ago in my small group, mygroup leader really came after my heart … I mean, he just called me out – really pushing me to go to the core of the pain and lay it out there for everyone to see. I'm sure he didn't realize how much he was battling for me in that moment – and what a treasure for me to experience being fought for in that way. It was a huge risk for me in a world where I have learned the very painful lesson that risk is too much – too hard – that when you expose vulnerability it will be used against you. But he came after me with gentleness and persistence and an overpowering sense of concern and love that I could not resist.

THIS is what Jesus called us into community for … this CONNECTION to others that serves to draw us closer to Him. And it is worth it because healing and freedom lie on the other side. I was undone in that moment…and immeasureably blessed. As a single woman it is not often that I feel the strength of a man battling for my heart – and then the whole group fought for my heart and THAT was the pure healing power of Christ’s love and has brought me to the edge – to stepping into the truth of who God created me to be and truly believing it in every moment. Its the another new beginning in a whole new world and I love this feeling!

I experienced the old tug today, to revert back to believing the lies…there was a less than stellar response to an email and my first instinct was, “okay fine, then! You don’t deserve my heart – not a chance!” But then this total other-worldly response stole up over me and instead of reacting out of fear of rejection and pain of the past, this strength rose up in me and I knew in that moment, the truth that I have been nudged to embrace, “Damn it, I deserve to be pursued! I AM honorable and lovely; a daughter of an amazing Father; full of grace; beautiful as He created me; with gifts of wisdom, nurture and creativity; I DESERVE to be PURSUED.”

I was awestruck…by the surging strength of this truth…but even more, by the generosity and power of God’s love drawing me out and opening me up like a beautiful new bud just before bloom. I am just beginning to be able to recognize the value that HE has placed in me and find the ability to stand against the lies and stand FOR the truth! I am humbled that He would pursue me so long...for so many years...and STILL not give up when I take so many alternative paths so often. As Jared Anderson sings, "He loves us; oh how He loves us; oh how He loves us; oh how He LOVES!"

For every thing in life there is a season, and this is MY season of new life and hope for all things born of my patient and loving Father’s sweet patient persistence in my heart! I am utterly undone by His LOVE!

choices ...

I woke up early this morning with this thought on my mind ... choices ... I have them and its my choice to make the choice - to change, grow, become - or stay the same. It was a moment of clarity and a blessing from God who is drawing me back to his embrace. It was a breath of fresh air following a tough week.

I just love it when that happens. When God pushes hard enough to break through the walls I've set up - the defenses I've created to keep the pain away - to keep others away but which also serve to keep Him away. And its so crazy to build the defenses when I am fully aware that He is the one thing I can count on, but that is all part of this process of becoming ... of life! I thank God that the times between my awareness of His presence and love - His drawing - are hours now instead of the weeks and months they were back when I first left home.

Choice is a privilege and I am grateful for it. The choices I have made to protect myself become clarifying instruments when I make the choice to open up ... to let love in and to embrace His presence - I love that! I suddenly see in stark relief and clarity of heart and am able to turn away from the old choices and embrace the new!

Today is a new day full of new choices, and I'm cleaning out my closets! Time to make room for the new ... open up space to breathe and space to become. God is doing a new thing and life is FULL!

loss of love

Loss of love is painful ... and the process of getting through it is hard ... so hard! Is it more painful if the love was deep and rich and reciprocated? I don't think so. I actually think it is harder for the one who loved if the love was not returned --- because of hope.

When hope is lost, it takes the pain of love so much deeper. When love has been returned, you have known the amazing experience of hope fulfilled ... of knowing you were chosen by another ... YOU ... WERE ... CHOSEN. It's exhilarating, cataclysmic ... that feeling of love and hope fulfilled, and the presence of love in your life. It is one of life's greatest blessings.

But if you loved someone and were living in hope for the fulfillment of that love ... and it never happened ... you question everything. And I'm not talking about a crush ... I'm talking about truly seeing another for who they are - on the inside - seeing their truth, what they live with every day, and loving them in spite of it ... and because of it ... When this love is not fulfilled, you stop trusting yourself and you stop trusting others ... including God. You die a little inside each day that you live with the disappointment and the pain of love that was not returned. Not only have you not been validated, but you've been invalidated ... and this causes you to question all you believe, feel, know and live.

Last night I watched Criminal Minds and during one particularly poignant scene when one of the main characters was playing a hostage negotiator and empathizing with a serial killer, I was thrust back into the pain of a love lost and hope destroyed. It was completely unexpected and just sidelined me to a place of deep awareness of love for a pretty amazing person. I keep thinking its over ... I'm over it ... I've moved on ... and then I get blindsided at the most unexpected times.

I've decided I don't like this place. I don't like loving someone who hurt me - who encouraged me to hope and then ripped me apart without apparent regard for any of my feelings. Their selfishness left me bleeding ... I hit my bottom, circled the wagons and worked every day just to survive ... one foot in front of the other. It was a horrible place to live and one I do not like to be reminded of.

So last night, having it slap me upside the head again was not fun! But then I realized that the hope in me has been reborn ... and its a good thing! I shouldn't have hope today - and for a long time I didn't - but God is restoring my hope. He is restoring the years that have been stolen. He is bringing joy in place of mourning; happiness in the place of deep pain ... it is the biggest miracle of all and certainly much more cataclysmic than the experience of love returned. The deepest wells of sorrow have begun to fill with hope and the desire to love is welling up again. But now it is a desire for so much more than the love of a man ... it is a desire to love myself well ... to embrace life and this process ... to experience the deep healing and lay myself open for the possibility of love. And yes, the possibility for pain ... My spiritual director has challenged me repeatedly that I cannot truly love another unless I have learned to love myself well first - and she is SO right on! I catch glimpses of it and I can't WAIT to be living in that place every moment of every day.

It's a process and one I am really beginning to enjoy. I'm getting involved in community at a new, smaller church (and what a surprise blessing that is!) and experiencing deeper relationships with girlfriends --- it is a good thing and I am in a good place.

Yes, loss of love is painful - and continues to be painful - but you can never experience the restoration of love and hope without it, and I would not be the woman I am today without having gone through this place of deep pain. It is the refining fire of loss of love that is bringing deep healing to those places I have so carefully guarded for so many years. There's a fresh wind blowing through my soul!

i'm not broken ...

Guess what? I'm not broken! Seriously ... NOT BROKEN! Can you hear me? Am I SHOUTING LOUD ENOUGH????!!!! What a revelation!

This past week I had my monthly appointment with Tara, my spiritual director, and went into it knowing I wanted to talk to her about where I am and what I want to do in the days ahead ... but I had NO idea that I would experience another revelatory breakthrough. It seems that every time I get together with her there is something new the Lord wants to show me ... a new piece to this puzzle of life.

It must be because of the spiritual tenderness of her office and the way she bathes our time in prayer -- so thank you, Tara, for being open to the Lord and His leading as you facilitate our time together -- it is truly a blessing!

So this week I thought we'd go one direction and in the middle of my rambling and questions and fears, Tara just looks at me and says, "You're not broken. I look at you and I can just see you thinking in your head, 'I am so [screwed]'. You are not broken. You are not broken." I was overwhelmed -- flooded with new emotion and probably looked like a deer caught in the headlights, but she was dead on! And I didn't even realize that I believed that about myself.

I have functioned for years, in all areas of my life as though I am broken. And I have made deep agreements with that mantra. To actually think of myself as NOT broken was ... ... ... WOW! I couldn't imagine not feeling as though I was broken -- as though every bad decision, bad relationship, mistake, addiction, etc. is WHO I am ... I have functioned out of that place for so many years, that thinking of myself as NOT BROKEN is almost incomprehensible ... and certainly life changing.

The Lord has been doing an amazing work in me, and this new piece, about not being broken, has opened me to a new step in the process of wanting to live in community -- to be a part of process WITH others. And this is new. I am looking at inviting a friend to move in with me and truly share life together and no longer live a life that is about what is convenient for me, but one that is open to actually being vulnerable in relationship with others ... no more self-protection. And no need to protect because I AM NOT BROKEN!!! YAY!!! I am GOOD! And today I can move forward and trust that goodness in me ... trust that I am whole ... and break the agreements I have made over and over, that I was broken. Sweet freedom!

This morning I went to Discovery Church here in the Springs and guess what? The message was about community and the big question was, "who are you doing life with?" I laughed -- God has such a great sense of humor and impeccable timing. I believe I've found my place ... my church family ... and it feels good. His timing is amazing and He has given me an overwhelming peace that these steps that I am taking today are His best steps for me ... today. I am overwhelmed and completely humbled by this process of life.

Today I understand the reasons for this process over the past five years. It is ABOUT the process. It is about BECOMING ...

I have a watercolor that I started about three years ago that I thought was called "Surrender" ... but now I know that surrender is just part of the process and it is all about "Becoming" and now maybe I'll be able to finish the painting ... or maybe it will never be finished, since as in life, this relationship with my Creator, is ALL about the process and the "Becoming" never ends... there will be pain and there will be heartache, but there will always be Jesus and His unending, inescapable, all-powerful love. And that is what makes the becoming so worthwhile ... what draws me forward each minute of each day ... and I'm just tickled to finally see that I am NOT broken!

shattered places
tears and pain
pieces scattered round
love unending
salves my soul
healing embrace
life revealed
today
i am becoming

This is all part of the process...

It's been quite some time now, since I've taken the time to update what has been happening and how the process is going. Part of that is due to the incredible busy-ness of my schedule at work, as well as a wonderful 2-week trip to California and back with my parents ... what a blessing they are, and what a blessing my job is for me as well.

It's been a long time - much too long ... and I've lost ground - or at least it feels as though I've lost ground - in my "process". I've begun working with a spiritual director again, after many years without one, and I see the beginnings of centeredness entering my life once again. Its a good thing, I feel, this new part of the process, but also difficult. Last week I took the Enneagram test and came out as a nine, which is the "peacemaker". I laughed out loud because I really don't embody that in my day to day life ... at least not what you think of when you've grown up in Mennonite circles.

But the peacemaker in the enneagram, is really about being patient, steady, easygoing, receptive, relaxed, unselfconscious, agreeable, uncomplicated, contented, comforting, sensual and idealizing - so okay, yeah, that IS me... and I tend to get in trouble by being emotionally unavailable, complacent, inattentive, unaware of my own anger, ineffectual, passive-aggressive, unrealistic, resigned and stubborn. At my best as a nine, I am self-aware, dynamic, inclusive, steadfast, healing, proactive, contemplative, natural, imaginative, serene, exuberant, engaged and passionate.

Interestingly, some of the ways a nine gets in trouble were things I became aware of a long time ago and began to work to change ... such as being passive-aggressive, unrealistic or stubborn. However, there is a biggie there that I was completely unaware of, and that is my anger. I thought I was a pretty happy person and didn't have a lot of anger, but really, as a peacemaker, I had simply learned how to shove it out of my mind with other "things" ... inappropriate things ... things that put walls between me and God, and me and others - very emotionally unavailable, because I NEEDED to be at peace inside myself ... and so I learned to take that peace, no matter the cost. Yeah, not the best way to go, obviously!

So, last week, before I had read the whole profile, I had an appointment with Tara, and, because it had been bubbling up to the surface, I told her a bit timidly, that I was beginning to think I have a real anger problem. She smiled and pulled out a printed copy of my enneagram profile and showed me how nines tend to avoid their anger, don't feel they have the right to truly feel it, and keep it covered up with whatever they need to, to be safe from it.

Then she asked me what I'm so angry about, and a deep crevasse opened in my heart. I tried hard not to let her see how deep the rift was because it is SO deep ... and so personal, but there it was: anger with life; anger at God for allowing my life to be what it was - for all the disappointments; anger at a boy who deeply hurt my heart last year - huge, massive, kick-you-in-the-gut anger ... and Tara gave me the space to not have to admit the depths of it to her. Instead she encouraged me to go to the deepest places of it with myself - and with God. And honestly, I'm a bit afraid to go there, but I am also aware that that is just the side of me that doesn't like conflict and wants to avoid it ... my head knows that on the other side of that conflict is a deep peace, so I'm beginning the process... I'm going to go there, and I'll let you know what its like on the other side. I have great hope for tomorrow - I am a strong and godly woman who desires a depth of relationship with my creator that I have not yet seen - and I am confident that He will honor that desire, hold me through the process, comfort me in the conflict and heal the pain! It is a really, really GOOD thing!

Just around the corner ...

God is up to something new ... I catch glimpses of it as I move throughout my day when I remember to listen for His voice - to look for Him. There is a sense of expectation that is new ... and a sense of urgency. I don't know what it is but I know it's coming - in the same way the I could feel Him literally chasing after my heart over the past 6 years.

What I do know is that HE is the one in control of my life, and my job is to keep letting go as He takes me through this process called "life." This is what He is saying to me (Jer. 29:10-14):

10 This is what the Lord says: “You will be in Babylon for seventy years. But then I will come and do for you all the good things I have promised, and I will bring you home again. 11 For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. 12 In those days when you pray, I will listen. 13 If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. 14 I will be found by you,” says the Lord. “I will end your captivity and restore your fortunes. I will gather you out of the nations where I sent you and will bring you home again to your own land.” (NLT)

And this is what He is saying to you too. You WILL have your time in your own Babylon, but He WILL bring you home again. He does have GOOD plans for you, full of hope ... and you WILL have a future. He IS in control and we can choose to let Him be in control for us. Will you give up your "right" to defend yourself ... your "right" for vindication ... and let the Lord be that for you ... let HIM do that for you? It may not look like you expect it to, or want it to, but he LOVES you and will be your defender. He WILL bring you a hope and a future, but you have to seek Him ... and here is the best promise of all, in verse 14, "I will be found by you." My captivity will end and I will be restored ... YAY!

Its not easy - you have to go through the pain to experience the freedom, but I am confident that these glimpses I see of where He is taking me are His way of keeping hope alive ... for HIM and His plan for my life. There is something just around the corner and I can't WAIT to see what it is!