i'm not broken ...

Guess what? I'm not broken! Seriously ... NOT BROKEN! Can you hear me? Am I SHOUTING LOUD ENOUGH????!!!! What a revelation!

This past week I had my monthly appointment with Tara, my spiritual director, and went into it knowing I wanted to talk to her about where I am and what I want to do in the days ahead ... but I had NO idea that I would experience another revelatory breakthrough. It seems that every time I get together with her there is something new the Lord wants to show me ... a new piece to this puzzle of life.

It must be because of the spiritual tenderness of her office and the way she bathes our time in prayer -- so thank you, Tara, for being open to the Lord and His leading as you facilitate our time together -- it is truly a blessing!

So this week I thought we'd go one direction and in the middle of my rambling and questions and fears, Tara just looks at me and says, "You're not broken. I look at you and I can just see you thinking in your head, 'I am so [screwed]'. You are not broken. You are not broken." I was overwhelmed -- flooded with new emotion and probably looked like a deer caught in the headlights, but she was dead on! And I didn't even realize that I believed that about myself.

I have functioned for years, in all areas of my life as though I am broken. And I have made deep agreements with that mantra. To actually think of myself as NOT broken was ... ... ... WOW! I couldn't imagine not feeling as though I was broken -- as though every bad decision, bad relationship, mistake, addiction, etc. is WHO I am ... I have functioned out of that place for so many years, that thinking of myself as NOT BROKEN is almost incomprehensible ... and certainly life changing.

The Lord has been doing an amazing work in me, and this new piece, about not being broken, has opened me to a new step in the process of wanting to live in community -- to be a part of process WITH others. And this is new. I am looking at inviting a friend to move in with me and truly share life together and no longer live a life that is about what is convenient for me, but one that is open to actually being vulnerable in relationship with others ... no more self-protection. And no need to protect because I AM NOT BROKEN!!! YAY!!! I am GOOD! And today I can move forward and trust that goodness in me ... trust that I am whole ... and break the agreements I have made over and over, that I was broken. Sweet freedom!

This morning I went to Discovery Church here in the Springs and guess what? The message was about community and the big question was, "who are you doing life with?" I laughed -- God has such a great sense of humor and impeccable timing. I believe I've found my place ... my church family ... and it feels good. His timing is amazing and He has given me an overwhelming peace that these steps that I am taking today are His best steps for me ... today. I am overwhelmed and completely humbled by this process of life.

Today I understand the reasons for this process over the past five years. It is ABOUT the process. It is about BECOMING ...

I have a watercolor that I started about three years ago that I thought was called "Surrender" ... but now I know that surrender is just part of the process and it is all about "Becoming" and now maybe I'll be able to finish the painting ... or maybe it will never be finished, since as in life, this relationship with my Creator, is ALL about the process and the "Becoming" never ends... there will be pain and there will be heartache, but there will always be Jesus and His unending, inescapable, all-powerful love. And that is what makes the becoming so worthwhile ... what draws me forward each minute of each day ... and I'm just tickled to finally see that I am NOT broken!

shattered places
tears and pain
pieces scattered round
love unending
salves my soul
healing embrace
life revealed
today
i am becoming